Live with them honorably

Since 2012-11-11

{and live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allâh brings through it a great deal of good} [An-Nisa: 19]


All praise is due to Allah Who created males and females, From Nutfah (drops of semen) when it is emitted. And Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon our prophet, Muhammad, and his family and companions.

Allah Almighty has created to us, in this worldly life, wives to find repose in them, and put affection and mercy to be like a palm tree that we could shed under. In order to refresh the old info, and to remind the brothers and the sisters who had forgotten, we would like to say that the marital relations are great and has significant consequences; Allah Almighty says: {and live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allâh brings through it a great deal of good} [An-Nisa: 19]

{...وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئاً وَيَجْعَلَ اللّهُ فِيهِ خَيْراً كَثِيراً}

Transliteration: waAAashiroohunna bialmaAAroofi fain karihtumoohunna faAAasa an takrahoo shayan wayajAAala Allahu feehi khayran katheeran

Dear brother, your wife is a trust that you will be accountable for in the Day of Judgment. Did you fulfill her rights? Or did you waste them?

The wife’s most significant rights include:

First: Treating women nicely as obedience to the saying of Allah Almighty: {and live with them honourably} and the saying of the Messenger of Allah Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him him: “Treat women kindly, for women are created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women kindly” [Agreed upon]

«استوصوا بالنساء خيراً، فإن المرأة خُلقت من ضلع، وإن أعوج ما في الضلع أعلاه، فإن ذهبت تُقيمه كسرته، وإن تركته لم يزل أعوج، فاستوصوا بالنساء»
متفق عليه

Also, he (peace be upon him) said: “O Allah, I warn against violating the right of the two weak persons; the orphan, and the woman” [Reported by Ahmed]

«اللهم إني أحرج حق الضعيفين: اليتيم، والمرأة»
رواه أحمد

Second: observing her rights without any undervalue. Mu’awia Ibn Haidah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that he said to the Prophet Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him: “O messenger of Allah, what is the right of one’s wife?” the Prophet Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him replied: “To feed her when he (i.e. the husband) eats, to provide to her clothes when he has clothes (for himself), do not hit her on face, do not say obscenity, and to restrict his refuse of sharing her the bed to the house only (not outside)” [Reported by Ahmed]

فعن معاوية بن حيدة رضي الله عنه قال: قلت: يا رسول الله، ما حق زوجة أحدنا عليه؟ فقال عليه الصلاة والسلام: «أن يطعمها إذا طعم، ويكسوها إذا اكتسى، ولا يضرب الوجه، ولا يقبح، ولا يهجر إلا في البيت»
رواه أحمد

Some men are outstandingly generous and kind with their friends, on the other hand neglecting the right of a wife, although the person takes the greater reward for providing for his wife. Abu Huraira narrated that the Messenger of Allah, Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him, said: “Of the dinar you spend as a contribution in Allah's path, or to set free a slave, or as a Sadaqa (charity) given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family” [Reported by Muslim]

«دينار أنفقته في سبيل الله، ودينار أنفقته في رقبة، ودينار تصدقت به على مسكين، ودينار أنفقته على أهلك، أعظمها أجراً للذي أنفقته على أهلك»
رواه مسلم

There are men who are accustomed to hitting their wives as if it was a daily task for them, non-stop. Although ‘Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said: “I had never seen the Messenger of Allah assaulted a woman …” [Narrated by Muslim]

« ما ضرب رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم شيئا قط بيده . ولا امرأة... »
رواه مسلم

And he (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) is the best of examples. Others who took “Refusing to share their beds”, as a way of life for any reason even for trivial matters, and maybe abandons the helpless wife for months without talking or accompanying her. Moreover, she might be a stranger where she lives or still young feared to feel bewildered or lonely.

Third: Teaching her the knowledge of the Sharia and what she needs to know about the acts of worship and encouraging her to acquire such knowledge. Allah Almighty says: {And remember (O you the members of the Prophet’s family, the Graces of your Lord), that which is recited in your houses of the Verses of Allâh and Al-Hikmah (i.e. Prophet’s Sunnah - legal ways, so give your thanks to Allâh and glorify His Praises for this Qur’ân and the Sunnah)} [Al-Ahzab: 34]

{وَاذْكُرْنَ مَا يُتْلَى فِي بُيُوتِكُنَّ مِنْ آيَاتِ اللَّهِ وَالْحِكْمَةِ...}

Transliteration: Waothkurna ma yutla fee buyootikunna min ayati Allahi waalhikmati

And ‘Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her and her father too) said: “How good are the women of Al-Ansar! Shyness did not prevent them from understanding their religion” [Reported by Al-Bukhari]

« نعم النساء نساء الأنصار، لم يمنعهن الحياء أن يتفقهن في الدين»
رواه البخاري

Moreover, the husband should continue teaching his wife the Holy Qur’an and the Sunnah of the Prophet (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him), encourage and support her to perform the acts of worship; Allah Almighty says: {And enjoin As-Salât (the prayer) on your family, and be patient in offering them [i.e. the Salât (prayers)]} [Ta-Ha: 132]

{وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا...}

Transliteration: Wamur ahlaka bialssalati waistabir AAalayha

And the Prophet (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) said: “May Allah have mercy on a man woke in the night for prayer and woke up his wife to pray, then if she refused, he would sprinkle water over her face. And may Allah mercy a woman woke in the night to pray and woke up her husband to pray, then if he refused, she would sprinkle water over his face” [Narrated by Ahmed]

«رحم الله رجلاً قام من الليل فصلى وأيقظ امرأته فصلت، فإن أبت نضح في وجهها الماء، ورحم الله امرأة قامت من الليل فصلت وأيقظت زوجها فصلى، فإن أبى نضحت في وجهه الماء»
رواه أحمد

Fourth: Dealing with her in good manner and care for her feelings, and try to comfort her; Allah Almighty says: {and live with them honourably}

{وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ}
النساء: 19

Transliteration: waAAashiroohunna bialmaAAroofi
Ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him and his father too) said: “I like to beautify myself for my wife as I like her beautify herself for me; as Allah said: {and live with them honourably}.”

{وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ}
النساء: 19

Transliteration: waAAashiroohunna bialmaAAroofi

Among the most prominent things, that have been spread between Muslim families and are against the good conduct that we had been ordered to adhere to, are obscenity, uglification of wife’s shape or manners, degrading her family and talking about their defaults, cursing and insulting her, and declaring averting her.

Also, this includes hurting her feelings by mentioning the virtues of other women and saying that they are more beautiful and better than her; this would hurt her feelings because of something she is not responsible for it.

Caring for her feelings and honoring her requires calling her by the names that she likes most, saluting her when entering the house, and showing love and affection by presenting gifts to her and saying good words that pleases her. Moreover, living with her honorably requires not searching for her mistakes and tracking her drawbacks; rather you should forgive her, especially when she does her best but is not granted success. Consider the saying of the Prophet, Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him: “The believers who have the most perfect faith are those who have the best manners, and the best among you are those who are best (in treating) to their wives” [Reported by Ahmed]

«إن أكمل المؤمنين إيماناً أحسنهم خُلقاً، وخياركم خياركم لنسائكم»
رواه أحمد

Fifth: Keeping her away from depravity, not putting her in situations may affect her good reputation, showing that you feel jealous for her, encouraging her to stay home, keeping her away from the bad company, not letting her go to the markets much (otherwise you should go with her), and not to let her travel without a Mahram (unmarriageable person). Moreover, you should feel that she is a trust, that you will be asked about her in the Day of Judgment; the prophet (peace be upon him) says: “Beware; every one of you is a guardian and everyone is responsible for his subjects” [Agreed upon]

«كلكم راع وكلكم مسؤول عن رعيته»
متفق عليه

Sixth: Preserving her chastity and fulfilling her physical needs; this would keep her away from looking at somebody else. Moreover, you should satisfy her emotional needs by the good words and praise. Appoint some time to her and make to your house a share of your happy mien and gentleness; Abdullah Ibn Omar (may Allah be pleased with him and his father too) narrated that the Prophet (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) said: “O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast during the day and offer prayers all the night?” Abdullah replied: “Yes, O Allah's Apostle!” The Prophet said: “Don't do that; fast for few days and then rest for a few days, offer prayers and also sleep at night, as your body has a right upon you, and your eyes has a right upon you and your wife has a right upon you …” [Reported by Al-Bukhari]

روى عبدالله بن عمر رضي الله عنهما أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم قال: «يا عبدالله، ألم أُخبر أنك تصوم النهار وتقوم الليل؟» قال: قلت: بلى يا رسول الله. قال: «فلا تفعل، صُم وأفطر، وقُم ونم، فإن لجسدك عليك حقاً، وإن لعينك عليك حقاً، وإن لزوجك عليك حقاً»
رواه البخاري

Also the Prophet (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) said: “… and in man's sexual Intercourse (with his wife,) there is a Sadaqa (Charity)” They (the Companions) said: “O Messenger of Allah; is there reward for him who satisfies his sexual passion among us?” He said: “Tell me, if he were to devote it to something forbidden (e.g. fornication), would it not be a sin on his part? Similarly, if he were to devote it to something lawful, he should have a reward” [Reported by Muslim]

«وفي بضع أحدكم صدقة» قالوا: يا رسول الله، أيأتي أحدنا شهوته، ويكون له فيها أجر؟ قال: «أرأيتم لو وضعها في حرام أكان عليه وزر؟ فكذلك إذا وضعها في حلال كان له أجر»
رواه مسلم

Seventh: Taking lessons, from the best husband (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him), about intimacy with wife, living with her honorably, and pleasing her; it is narrated on the authority of Uqbah Ibn ‘Amer that the Prophet (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Every means of amusement a man has is void except for: training his horse, archery and playing with his wife” [Reported by Abu Dawud and At-Tirmizy]

روى عقبة بن عامر رضي الله عنه أن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال: «كل شيء يلهو به الرجل فهو باطل إلا: تأديبه فرسه، ورميه بقوسه، وملاعبته أهله»
رواه أبو داود والترمذي

Who deserves gentleness and tenderness from you more than the one that serves you, cooks for you, washes your clothes, feels joy because of your coming, educate and discipline your children, and takes care of your affairs all your life?! In the Messenger of Allah (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) there is a good example for us; he (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) used to race with ‘Aisha to please her, call her ‘Aiesh to endear to her heart, and amuse her with his conversation and narrating stories. Moreover, he used to consult his wives in some affairs such as consulting Um Salama after the treaty of Al-Hudaybya.

Eighth: Tolerating her harm and being patient with her; the length of life and the variety of life’s affairs would surly bring reasons for hating a wife. This is very normal because it is a human nature. Hence, you should tolerate the harm as long as it is not related to some of the affairs of the hereafter (i.e. not performing prayers at their times or neglecting fasting) which cannot be tolerated. We mean by this kind of tolerance tolerating the affairs that may come from time to time (i.e. the tension of the periodical menstruation); it is known that the wives of the prophet (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) answered him back and behaved in ways require tolerance and forgiveness.

Ninth: Guarding her property and not dealing with it without her permission; the woman may have money she had earned through inheritance, gift or job, so never deal with it directly or indirectly without her consistence. Allah Almighty says: {And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart; but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allâh has made it lawful)} [An-Nisa: 4]

{وَآتُواْ النَّسَاء صَدُقَاتِهِنَّ نِحْلَةً فَإِن طِبْنَ لَكُمْ عَن شَيْءٍ مِّنْهُ نَفْساً فَكُلُوهُ هَنِيئاً مَّرِيئاً}

Transliteration: Waatoo alnnisaa saduqatihinna nihlatan fain tibna lakum AAan shayin minhu nafsan fakuloohu haneean mareean

And the Prophet (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) was honest in his dealing with the money of his wife, Khadija; he had never taken more than his right or gouged her or declared annoyance and enragement to enforce her to satisfy him with her money. Moreover, Allah Almighty warned from taking back the dowry from women, although it is originally the money of the husband; He almighty says: {But if you intend to replace a wife by another and you have given one of them a Qintâr (of gold i.e. a great amount as Mahr) take not the least bit of it back; would you take it wrongfully without a right and (with) a manifest sin? And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other, and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant?} [An-Nisa: 20-21]

{وَإِنْ أَرَدتُّمُ اسْتِبْدَالَ زَوْجٍ مَّكَانَ زَوْجٍ وَآتَيْتُمْ إِحْدَاهُنَّ قِنطَاراً فَلاَ تَأْخُذُواْ مِنْهُ شَيْئاً أَتَأْخُذُونَهُ بُهْتَاناً وَإِثْماً مُّبِيناً (20) وَكَيْفَ تَأْخُذُونَهُ وَقَدْ أَفْضَى بَعْضُكُمْ إِلَى بَعْضٍ وَأَخَذْنَ مِنكُم مِّيثَاقاً غَلِيظاً}
النساء: 20-21

Transliteration: Wain aradtumu istibdala zawjin makana zawjin waataytum ihdahunna qintaran fala takhuthoo minhu shayan atakhuthoonahu buhtanan waithman mubeenan (20) Wakayfa takhuthoonahu waqad afda baAAdukum ila baAAdin waakhathna minkum meethaqan ghaleethan

Hence, what about the money of your wife that she exerts effort to collect it?! Moreover, taking money from her is against Quama (protection and maintain) and the obligation of providing for her, even if she was wealthier than you. Those who take the money of their wives (to erect building or make investment then put the money of their wives in the banks in their own accounts and spend from it) must beware because it is prohibited money and this is a kind of eating another’s property unjustly; unless she allows it.

Tenth: The right of a wife, that her husband had taken more than one wife, is to equate between them in expenditure and staying with the wives: {Verily, Allâh enjoins Al-‘Adl (i.e. justice and worshipping none but Allâh Alone - Islâmic Monotheism) and Al-Ihsân [i.e. to be patient in performing your duties to Allâh, totally for Allâh’s sake and in accordance with the Sunnah (legal ways) of the Prophet peace be upon him in a perfect manner]} [An-Nahl: 90]

{إِنَّ اللّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالإِحْسَانِ...}

Transliteration: Inna Allaha yamuru bialAAadli waalihsani

Many of those who had married more than one wife made injustice, although the Prophet (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) says: “He, who has two wives of whom he is inclined to one (more than the other), he will come on the Day of Judgment, with one of his sides inclined” [Narrated by Ahmed]

«من كانت له امرأتان يميل لإحداهما على الأخرى جاء يوم القيامة يجر أحد ‏ ‏ شقيه ‏ ‏ساقطا ‏ ‏أو مائل »
رواه أحمد

Whenever the Prophet (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) had intended to travel, he used to cast a ballot between his wives, the one that her name comes out will accompany him. Moreover, he (Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him) used to be just, even during his illness before his death, till his wives allowed him to stay in the house of ‘Aisha. Also, Mu’ath Ibn Jabal (may Allah be pleased with him) had two wives, so he was not to drink even water in the house of one of them during the day of the other one.

Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Muttaqûn (the pious). O Allah, make our wives and children pious, bless our money and children, accept our good deeds and forgive and have mercy on us; verily, You are the All-Hearer, the All-Knower! O Allah forgive us, our parents, and all Muslims! Finally, Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon, Muhammad, and all his family and companions.

Compiled by: Al-Qasem House

Translated by website


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