Retaining One's Composure in Anger
By Sheikh Salman al-Oadah
All of us
have to wrestle with the emotion of anger, an emotion that flares
up and tests a person's ability to control himself and keep himself
from stooping to the level of the one who wronged him.
There are reasons why some people can keep their composure and
exercise self-control. The following are nine of these
reasons:
1. Mercy, sympathy, and leniency to
the person who is in the wrong
Allah says, addressing His Messenger (peace be upon him): "It was by the mercy of Allah that you deal
with them gently, and had you been rough or hard hearted, they
would certainly have dispersed from around you. So pardon them and
ask forgiveness for them and consult with them upon the conduct of
affairs" [ Sûrah Âl `Imrân : 159]
This verse provides us with an extremely beneficial lesson. It
teaches us that people are brought together by kindness and
leniency. They are not brought together through severity and
violence. Allah says: "...had you been rough or hard hearted, they
would certainly have dispersed from around you."
The people being referred to in this verse are the Companions of
the Prophet (peace be upon him), the people who emigrated for the
sake of their faith and those who welcomed the emigrants with open
arms. These are the people who are described by the Qur'ân as "the
foremost" among the believers. [ Sûrah al-Tawbah : 100] How can we
hope to expect more from those who come after them? What can we
expect for those who are in a far lesser position than Allah's
Messenger (peace be upon him), people like scholars and Islamic
workers and others in leadership positions?
Therefore, it is not possible for people to unite except on the
basis of mercy and clemency.
Abû al-Dardâ' said to a man who insulted him: "Do not become
engrossed in cursing us. Leave some space for reconciliation. For
indeed, we do not respond in kind to those who disobey Allah
regarding us as much as we obey Allah Almighty regarding
him."
A man insulted al-Sha`bî, so al-Sha`bî said to him: "If I am as
you describe me, then may Allah forgive me, and if I am not as you
describe me, then may Allah forgive you."
Once a person insulted Mu`âwiyah in a most direct and harsh
manner. Mu`âwiyah responded by offering a supplication on his
behalf and bestowing upon him a grant of money.
It is essential that we accustom ourselves to being more
accepting, patient, and tolerant. A person practices kindness until
he becomes a kind person. Abû al-Dardâ' relates that the Prophet
(peace be upon him) said: "Knowledge is attained only through
learning and gentleness is attained only through being gentle.
Whoever is intent on attaining goodness will be given it and
whoever keeps away from evil will be spared it."
Each of us needs look into himself and straighten out his own
affairs before taking others to task. We must keep in mind that the
greeting of Islam is "Peace be upon you and Allah's mercy and
blessings." It is this greeting that the Prophet (peace be upon
him) ordered us to utter when we enter our homes. Indeed Allah
says: "When you enter houses, greet one
another with peace." [ Sûrah al-Nûr : 61]
We use the same greeting whether we are addressing children, our
elders, those whom we know, and those whom we do not know.
A man asked the Prophet (peace be upon him): "What is the best
Islam?"
The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied: "To give food (to those in need) and to
greet with peace those whom you know and those whom you do not
know." [ Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim ]
`Ammâr said: "There are three things that if someone possesses
them all he will have comprehended faith: applying justice to
yourself, greeting the world with peace, and spending in charity
under straitened circumstances."
This greeting has many meanings. One of these meanings is the
person you are greeting will be safe from you - from your tongue,
your heart, and your hand - and that you will not transgress
against him with your words or your deeds. This greeting is also a
prayer for peace, safety, mercy, and blessings. We should take
these noble meanings that we say with our tongues and make them our
way of life in our dealings with other people.
2. Magnanimity and assuming the best
about the other person
Some people of wisdom have said: "The best of noble qualities is
to pardon when you are able to take revenge and to be generous in
poverty." A person may have the power to take revenge upon his
adversary, but instead he responds with forgiveness and
forbearance. Allah says: "And whoever is
patient and forgiving, indeed these are acts of great
resolve." [ Sûrah al-Shûrâ : 43]
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, addressing the people of
Quraysh on the day of the conquest of Mecca : "What do you think I
shall do with you?"
They said: "What is good. You are a noble brother and the son of a
noble brother."
He said: "Go, for you are free."
Joseph (peace be upon him) said to his brothers after they had
come under his power and authority: "This day let no reproach be (cast) upon
you: Allah will forgive you, and He is the Most Merciful of those
who show mercy!" [ Sûrah Yûsuf : 92]
3. Nobility of spirit and
high-mindedness
We must hold ourselves above banal insults and see that responding
in kind is beneath our dignity.
We must accustom ourselves to being able to bear the insults of
others while maintaining a cheerful countenance. We need to train
ourselves, slowly but surely, to exercise self-restraint.
4. Seeking our reward from
Allah
Anger is a bitter draught that we sometimes must force ourselves
to swallow for the sake of Allah, for the blessings and rewards
that we receive for doing so.
Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said: "Whoever restrains his anger when he has the
ability to carry it out, Allah Almighty will summon him above the
heads of all creation on the Day of Judgment and give him the
choice of any the pure companions he pleases." [ Sunan
al-Tirmidhî , Sunan Abî Dâwûd , and Sunan Ibn Mâjah ]
It is easy for us to talk about such things. This requires
practically no effort at all. I believe that almost anyone can get
up and give a nice talk about the topic of restraining ourselves
when we are angry. However, it is another matter altogether to put
such things into practice when we are in a situation where tempers
are on the rise. At such times, we will really need to have already
cultivated the qualities of patience, magnanimity, and clemency, or
we will suddenly come to realize that there is a big difference
between words and deeds.
5. A sense of shame
A person should feel shy to put himself in the same position as
the person who is doing wrong. Some people of wisdom have said:
"Suffering a fool is better than adopting his manner. Overlooking
someone's ignorance is better than aping it."
A man of letters once said: "A gentleman never speaks foully and a
nobleman never speaks derisively."
We should consider what happened when the people of Tâ'if cast the
Prophet (peace be upon him) out of their city in a most deplorable
manner.
`Â'ishah, the wife of the Prophet
(peace be upon him), relates that she once asked him: "Was there
ever a day that was worse for you than the Battle of Uhud?"
The Prophet replied: "Your tribe had troubled me a lot, and the
most severe of this trouble was on the day of 'Aqaba when I
presented myself to Ibn `Abd Yalâyil b. `Abd Kulâl and he did not
respond to my request. So I departed, overwhelmed with sorrow, and
proceeded on, without rest until I found myself at Qarn al-Tha`âlib
where I lifted my head towards the sky to see a cloud shading me
unexpectedly. I looked up and saw within it Gabriel.
"He called me saying: 'Allah has heard what your people have been
saying to you, and how they have disputed you. Allah has sent the
Angel of the Mountains to you so that you may order him to do
whatever you wish to these people.'
"The Angel of the Mountains called and greeted me, and then said:
'O Muhammad! Order what you wish. If you like, I will cause the two
mountains to fall upon them.'
"(I) said: "No, for I hope that Allah will bring forth from their
progeny people who will worship Allah Alone, and none besides
Him." [ Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim ]
6. Practicing patience and
magnanimity as a part of faith
The muscle that lies within our breasts can undergo training and
conditioning. We need to condition our hearts to exercise
magnanimity on a constant basis and to let us forego our rights and
to not demand our share all the time. We must train our hearts to
stay full of affection.
If you are able to make your heart feel love for others, it will
never feel strained by them. You will find that it will indeed
expand every time a new guest arrives. It will be able to
accommodate every worthy soul.
You should exercise your heart upon magnanimity and tolerance
before going to bed every night and in this way give yourselves a
restful night's sleep. You should pardon all those who infringed
upon your rights, wronged you, or ill-treated you in any way, and
you should ask Allah in full sincerity to forgive them and to
reform their ways. If you do so, you will be the one's to profit
the most.
Just like we wash our faces many times a day because other people
will be looking at us, we should cleanse our hearts, for this is
were Allah looks at us. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
"Allah does not look at your forms or at your wealth, but he looks
at your hearts and your deeds."
Since Allah looks at our hearts, we need to be even more concerned
about their condition, so that they will exhibit nothing but the
noblest of meanings and the best of intentions.
We must cleanse our hearts every day so they do not accumulate a
tarnish of envy, hatred, and bad thoughts that hinder us from going
forward in life in a positive manner.
7. Holding back the tongue from
insults
When someone else starts insulting you or deriding you, the
hardest thing for you to do is to stop it in its tracks. Indeed, it
takes a firm resolve to do so.
From experience, the effort that one of us expends in responding
in kind to those who insult us yields fewer results than those
yielded by silence. Keeping silent safeguards our tongues, our
valuable time, and our hearts. This is why Allah says to Mary
(peace be upon her):"And if you see
anyone from among humanity, say 'I have taken a vow of abstention
to the Most Merciful, so I will not speak today to anyone." [
Sûrah Maryam : 26]
Wrangling, quarrelling, and arguing back and forth can really
injure the heart and can often result in far more harm than
benefit.
8. Considering the consequences
We must assess what it in our best interests and what is best for
the general welfare. This is why the Prophet (peace be upon him)
praised his grandson al-Hasan by saying: "This son of mine is noble, and perhaps
Allah will at his hands bring reconciliation between two great
divisions from among the Muslims. [ Sahîh al-Bukharî ]
This shows us that concern for the general welfare - a concern for
keeping people together and away from fighting - is nobility.
9. Preserving and upholding the good
that had been before
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "Acknowledging the good of
others is part of faith."
Al-Shâfi`î said: "The nobleman is the one who holds in esteem the
affection shown for a moment and who keeps his affiliation with one
who did something good for but a moment."
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