Respect For Our Daughters
- Categories: Muslim Women's Issues -
Sheikh Salman
al-Oadah
A person's need to feel import is something perfectly natural,
something instilled in human nature. It may well be that this
feeling is behind many of humanity's greatest inventions,
achievements, and noble acts.
This is why Allah mentions to us that Abraham (peace be upon him)
said:"And ordain for me a goodly mention
among posterity." [ Sûrah al-Shu`arā' :
84]
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "If a son of Adam dies,
his good works come to an end except for three: charity that keeps
providing benefit, knowledge that people still benefit from, and a
pious child who supplicates for him."
This is an indication that people like to feel that they are
important, and feel that they will be valued and that their works
will endure even after they die. This is why the Prophet (peace be
upon him) guided us to continuous charity, enduring beneficial
knowledge, and a pious son or daughter who prays on our
behalf.
Those who belittle and deride others, and who defame their
characters, do not profit themselves anything but pain and
bitterness. It makes no difference whether they are officials,
educators, parents, or anyone else.
Our society is in need of programs to teach people this basic
truth. All too many people have inherited from their cultures - and
this is a fact for many societies throughout the world of which
some are Islamic societies - contempt for women, looking upon the
woman her as if she is a creation of a lesser degree, a second
class citizen - and in some cases it seems that they treat her more
as if the phrase "tenth class" would be more appropriate.
Up to today, some of us are prisoners to this base mindset, as if
they had never heard the guidance of the Prophet (peace be upon
him) or benefited from the revelation sent down to us by Allah.
Such people are still toiling under the legacy of the pre-Islamic
times of ignorance, in spite of the fact that in our present age,
many banners are being raised, like those of human rights, women's
rights, social justice, and equality. It is so bad that some of us
look upon these terms and concepts with bewilderment and
suspicion.
This is in spite of the fact that the guarantee of human rights
that is at the core of our faith is loftier and nobler than
anything set down in any declaration of human rights anywhere in
the world. This is as true today as it has been in the past.
The problem here with respect to the issue of women - and to that
of the young woman in particular - is the result of the coming
together with the ideas of the new ignorance with those of the days
of ignorance of old.
First of all, people come with all sorts of biases against women,
like the notion that women are inherently treacherous. Then you
have the fact that in some cultures, the birth of a daughter is
received with ignominy and considered a bad omen.
Thirdly, women are still viewed in some circles as not being
entitled to have their own opinions or to make their own decisions.
There is a saying: "Consult with them but do not heed what they
say." Some people might even have gotten the notion in their heads
that this blatant lie is a saying of our Prophet (peace be upon
him)!
Then there is the idea that a woman's place is in the kitchen.
Here we have another dubious saying: "Were a woman to reach Mars,
she would still wind up in the kitchen."
These concepts, though prevalent, are from the pagan Arab culture
of the times of ignorance. These notions are alien to Islam. They
are not from the teachings of our Prophet (peace be upon
him).
Allah says: "So their Lord accepted
their prayer: That I will not waste the work of a worker among you,
whether male or female, the one of you being from the
other." [ Sûrah Âl `Imrân : 195]
Allah also says: "Lo! men who surrender
unto Allah, and women who surrender, and men who believe and women
who believe, and men who obey and women who obey, and men who speak
the truth and women who speak the truth, and men who persevere (in
righteousness) and women who persevere, and men who are humble and
women who are humble, and men who give alms and women who give
alms, and men who fast and women who fast, and men who guard their
modesty and women who guard (their modesty), and men who remember
Allah much and women who remember - Allah has prepared for them
forgiveness and a vast reward." [ Sûrah al-Ahzâb :
35]
We can see in these verses how Allah mentions women alongside men,
on parity with one another.
Many of our daughters feel cheated and resentful on account of the
unequal treatment given to them in comparison with their brothers.
When a girl's brother brings home passing marks from school,
everyone gets happy he is congratulated, and rewarded with gifts,
even if his grades were not all that good. When she comes home with
her diploma after having attained the highest academic
distinctions, she is told: "That is not important.what good is it
to you?" Things like this are commonplace.
Because of such things, the climate becomes conducive to the call
of westernization, which is seen by many young women as a source of
salvation from the oppression of the societies in which they live.
I listened to a speech given in Egypt by an activist for women's
liberation. She spoke of such things. Her stance was a reaction to
customs and circumstances that exist in her society which have
nothing to do with Islam, but which were really the legacy of the
former times of ignorance.
A woman, just like a man, needs to have her importance
acknowledged, her grievances heard, and her aspirations fulfilled.
If these needs are not met for her with her family and at school,
she is going to find ways to fulfill them elsewhere. The media
today is giving her all sorts of lessons in this area.
Psychology teaches us that, though you are not necessary going to
convince others or change their minds by listening to them, you are
going to endear them to you and make them more sympathetic. One of
the most notable qualities of great and influential people is their
ability to listen to others and to show them proper regard.
A delegation of Mecca 's polytheists once came to the Prophet
(peace be upon him) to object to him. They spoke at length until
they had nothing more to say. Only then did the Prophet (peace be
upon him) spoke up and ask: "Are you done?" When they told him that
they were, he began reciting to them some words from the
Qur'ân.
The person who speaks to you may feel in his heart that he has
been wronged or that he has been disenfranchised. He may have a
point of view that he is passionate about and that he wishes to
communicate to you. You have to afford him a proper outlet to air
his grievances. If you do not give him a proper hearing, his
grievances will transform into a deluge or bring about within him
destructive psychological problems.
Experience shows us that major problems that face us as
individuals, families, and nations, started off as small problems
that were not properly acknowledged and addressed. They grew and
until they reached critical mass and exploded. Affording due
recognition is a safety valve for both the individual and society.
When some problem arises that starts to exert pressure, many people
forget that it is possible to contain it, and instead toss more
fuel upon the fire.
Listening to others effectively demands mastery of a number of
skills, which we can enumerate as follows:
The first of these skills is to be able to summarize the ideas
that were brought up in the course of the conversation. After
hearing what the other party had to say and speaking your own mind,
you are able to summarize the matter, accurately stating the other
person's point of view and discussing its implications as well as
your arguments. This shows the other person that you hold what he
says to be important and that you properly understood what he had
to say. In this way, you assure him, that you are not putting words
into his mouth or misunderstanding his ideas. He knows that you
were paying attention to him.
Too often, we do not give others the chance to speak. When they do
speak, we are either incapable of understanding their point of view
or of convincing them that we have indeed understood them.
The second skill that we need to master is to be able to enter
into the world-view of those to whom we listen and with whom we
speak. When we listen to two people having a discussion, we can
tell whether their relationship is strained or whether there is
friendship and cordiality between them. This comes through to us in
their body language, how they face each other, make eye contact,
and in their hand gestures.
A mother is able to establish a good relationship with her
daughter by placing herself on her daughter's level and by
expressing herself with heart and with her body language so that
the daughter feels safe and trusting. The mother is able to respond
to her daughter's feelings, sensitivities, and appreciate her
circumstances. In this way, it is possible for the daughter to
become confident and overcome her shyness so that she can speak
openly and frankly and divulge her concerns. This, however, will
only be if she sees that what she has to say is taken
seriously.
Many people do not seek a solution to their problems as much as
they are seeking a sympathetic heart that feels their pain and in
which they can find solace.
Imagine that you are speaking to someone and that person keeps
looking at his watch or answering his cell phone or leafing through
the newspaper. Or imagine that he suddenly brings up a totally
unrelated topic. Would it really matter to you that for all this
time he has been looking at you while you speak?
If we are to place ourselves in the world-view of our daughters,
this means that we must be able to abide in our young girl's
spirit, her heart, her feelings, and her sensitivities. It means
for her to know that we are with her, not against her.
The third good listening skill that we need to master is to be
able to guide the conversation in the direction that we want it to
go. A girl may not be able to speak openly about everything that
concerns her, or she may not know how to express herself about some
things. She may become confused or say something by mistake. We
must not hold her to her mistake or judge her on account of it.
Instead, we must help her to communicate to us what she is trying
to say. We need to make her feel that the atmosphere is relaxed and
normal.
A mother might find it advantageous to talk about her own
experiences when she was young and how she went through a lot of
the same things.
The girl might need to speak about something that is troubling her
but not be able to bring herself to say everything. For this
reason, a mother might take the matter too lightly or accuse the
girl of not being able to speak, or call her stupid or
simple.
I have heard girls say things like: "No one ever understands what
I say."
She might mean that there is no one in her family who agrees with
what she wants. In this, her family could well be in the right.
However, she might also mean that no one pays any serious attention
to what she has to say, and this is a serious problem.