Honoring Ties of Kinship

Dutifulness to kinship is one of the greatest and loftiest good deeds that bring one closer to Allah.

Categories: Marriage and Family Relations -

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, and peace and blessings be upon the most honorable of Messengers, our Prophet, Muhammad, and upon all of his family and Companions.

Dutifulness to kinship is one of the greatest and loftiest good deeds that bring one closer to Allah. Allah, Exalted be He, says, {and fear Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship).} [An-Nisaa' 4:1].

{وَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءلُونَ بِهِ وَالأَرْحَامَ} النساء: 1

Transliteration: Wa ittaqu Allaha allathi tasa'aluna bihi wa al-arham

A Muslim should spend all his life working hard to win Paradise, as vast as the heavens and the earth, and one way to do so is to be dutiful to one's kinship, for the following reasons:

1. Obeying the Ordinances of Allah and His Messenger to be dutiful to kinship. The Messenger linked it to worship of Allah itself, indicating its utmost significance. In a hadith narrated by Umar Ibn Absah, he asked the Messenger, “With what has Allah sent you?” He replied, “He has sent me to uphold ties of kinship, to break idols, and to proclaim the Oneness of Allah with nothing associated with Him” [Reported by Muslim].

«أرسلني بصلة الأرحام، وكسر الأوثان، وأن يوحد الله لا يشرك به شيء» رواه مسلم

2. Seeking closeness, satisfaction, and blessings from Allah, Glorified be He. In a hadith reported by Al-Bukhari and Muslim, Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that Allah's Messenger, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said, “Allah created the creatures, acnd when He had finished, kinship stood up and said, 'This is the standing up of one who seeks Your Protection from being cut off.' Allah said, 'Yes. Would it not please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?' It said, 'Of course.' Allah said, 'Then, your prayer in granted….'”.

«إن الله خلق الخلق، حتى إذا فرغ منهم قامت الرحم فقالت: هذا مقام العائذ من القطيعة. قال: "نعم، أما ترضين أن أصل من وصلك وأقطع من قطعك؟"، قالت: "بلى". قال: فذاك لك» متفق عليه

3. Seeking to enter Paradise. It was reported by Ibn Majah, At-Tirmidhi, and Ad-Darami that Abdullah Ibn Salam said, “When the Prophet came to Medina, people rushed to receive him, saying, 'Allah's Messenger has come! Allah's Messenger has come! Allah's Messenger has come!' I rushed with them to see him, and when I looked carefully at his face, I found that it was not the face of a liar. As far as I can remember, the first thing I heard him saying was: “O people! Spread greetings, give food in charity, and pray at night when people are sleeping; then, you will enter Paradise in peace” [Authenticated by Al-Albani].

«عن عبدالله بن سلام قال: لما قدم النبي المدينة انجفل الناس قبلةُ، وقيل: قد قدم رسول الله، قد قدم رسول الله، قد قدم رسول الله - ثلاثاً - فجئت في الناس لأنظر، فلما تبينت وجهه، عرفت أن وجهه ليس بوجه كذاب، فكأن أول شيء سمعته تكلم به أن قال: يا أيها الناس أفشوا السلام وأطعموا الطعام، وصلوا الأرحام، وصلوا بالليل والناس نيام، تدخلوا الجنة بسلام» صححه الألباني

4. Gaining blessing in livelihood, offspring, and good reputation. Al-Bukhari and Muslim reported a hadith in which Anas Ibn Malik (may Allah be pleased with him) said, I heard Allah's Messenger saying, “Whoever would like his provision in this world to be increased and his life span to be extended let him uphold the ties of kinship”.

«من سره أن يبسط له في رزقه، وأن ينسأ له في أثره، فليصل رحمه» متفق عليه

5. Avoiding the punishment that Allah imposes on those who do not fulfill their duties to the kith and kin. Allah, the Almighty, says, {Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? (22) Such are they whom Allah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.} [Muhammad 47:22-23].

{فَهَلْ عَسَيْتُمْ إِن تَوَلَّيْتُمْ أَن تُفْسِدُوا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَتُقَطِّعُوا أَرْحَامَكُمْ (22) أُوْلَئِكَ الَّذِينَ لَعَنَهُمُ اللَّهُ فَأَصَمَّهُمْ وَأَعْمَى أَبْصَارَهُمْ} محمد: 22-23

Transliteration: Fahal asaytum in tawallaytum an tufsidu fi alardi wa tuqattiu arhamakum? Ula'ika allathina laanahumu Allahu fa asammahum wa ama absarahum

In a hadith related by Al-Bukhari and Muslim, Muhammad Ibn Jubayr Ibn Mutam cited his father as having said to him that he heard the Prophet saying, “No one who severs the ties of kinship will enter Paradise”.

«لا يدخل الجنة قاطع رحم» متفق عليه

Another hadith, Reported by At-Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah, and Ahmad, shows that Abu Bakrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said, Allah's Messenger said, “There is no sin worthier of Allah hastening punishment for it in this life, in addition to what He has in store for its offender in the Hereafter, than transgression and cutting off relations of kinship” [Authenticated by Al-Albani].

«ما من ذنب أجدر أن يعجل الله تعالى لصاحبه العقوبة في الدنيا مع ما يدخر له في الآخرة من البغي و قطيعة الرحم» صححه الألباني

Principles to Observe With Kinship

1. Make sure you are devoted to Allah, Exalted be He, in everything you do. Keep asking Him to grant you success, and stick to whatever pleases Him. This is the best and most beneficial thing to do in life, so ask Allah to help you do it, and do your best to avoid whatever contradicts with it.

2. Keep to forgiveness with whosoever does something bad to you, and do good in return. Allah says, {The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allah ordered the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly), then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.} [Fussilat 41:34].

{وَلاَ تَستوِى الحَسَنَةُ وَلاَ السّيِئَةُ ادفَع بِالّتي هِىَ أَحسَنُ فَإذَا الّذى بَينكَ وَبَينَهُ عَدَاوَةٌ كَأنّهُ وَلِىّ حَمِيمٌ} فصلت: 34

Transliteration: Wa la tastawi al-hasanatu wa la as-sayyi'ah idfa bi allati hiya ahsanu fa idha alladhi baynaka wa baynahu adawatun ka'annahu waliyyun hamim

3. Feel all the time that your kith and kin are the most people who deserve your good treatment, care, and love. Allah says, {But kindred by blood are nearer to one another regarding inheritance in the decree ordained by Allah. Verily, Allah is the All-Knower of everything.} [Al-Anfal 8:75].

{وَأُولُو الْأَرْحَامِ بَعْضُهُمْ أَوْلَىٰ بِبَعْضٍ فِي كِتَابِ اللَّهِ ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ عَلِيمٌ} الأنفال: 75

Transliteration: Wa ulu al-arhami baduhum awla bi badin fi kitabi Allahi inna Allaha bi kulli shay'in alim

Imam Ahmad, An-Nasaa'I, Ibn Majah, and Ad-Darami related that Salman Ibn Amir Ad-Dabbi said, "Allah's Messenger said, “Charity given to a poor person is charity, while charity given to a relative is both charity and dutifulness to kinship)” [Authenticated by Al-Albani].

«إن الصدقة على المسكين صدقة، وعلى ذي الرحم اثنتان؛ صدقة وصلة» صححه الألباني

4. Realize that keeping relations of kinship is one of the most distinctive characteristics of true believers and one of the prominent traits of the Master of Messengers (prayers and peace be upon him). Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) said to Allah's Messenger while trying to calm him down, “Nay … Allah will never disgrace you. You uphold the ties of kinship…” [Agreed upon].

«كلا لا يخزيك الله أبداً إنك لتصل الرحم» متفق عليه

Al-Bukhari Reported, on the authority of Abu Hurayrah, that the Prophet, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said,“Whoever believes in Allah and the hereafter let him uphold the ties of kinship. And whoever believes in Allah and the hereafter let him speak good or else keep silent”.

«ومن كان يؤمن بالله واليوم الآخر فليصل رحمه ، ومن كان يؤمن بالله واليوم الآخر فليقل خيرا أو ليصمت» رواه البخاري

5. Give a good example in your conduct and manners, whether with your relatives or with others in general. Discard the mentality of revenge, and do not do anything that makes them lose trust in you. Our perfect role model, the Messenger, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, never acted to avenge himself.

6. Respond to the needs of your relatives, and always do your best in cooperating with and supporting them. If you disagree with some of their actions, try to change these actions using gentle and diplomatic ways.

7. Deny yourself when dealing with them, and do not pay attention to whether they observe your rights or not. This involves respecting their rights even if they do not respect yours. Al-Bukhari Reported, on the authority of Abdullah Ibn Amr, that the Prophet, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said, “The one who maintains relationships with his relatives only because they maintain relationships with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship”.

«ليس الواصل بالمكافئ ، ولكن الواصل الذي إذا قطعت رحمه وصلها» رواه البخاري

In another hadith reported by Muslim, Abu Hurayrah narrated that a man said, “O Allah's Messenger! I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.” The Prophet, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said: “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot sand in their mouths. Allah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that”.

«رجلاً قال: يا رسول الله إن لي قرابة أصلهم ويقطعوني، وأحسن إليهم ويسيئون إليّ، وأحلم عنهم ويجهلون عليّ، فقال: لئن كنت كما قلت فكأنما تسفهم المل ولا يزال معك من الله ظهير عليهم ما دمت على ذلك» رواه مسلم

8. Whatever happens, be patient and do not give it up. Prophet Noah (peace be upon him) kept calling his people to believe in Allah for over 950 years without despair. Also, despite all that he received from the disbelievers of Makkah, Allah's Messenger, prayers and peace of Allah be upon him, said, “All I hope for is that Allah will bring forth from their loins people who will worship Allah” [Agreed upon].

«إني أرجوا أن يخرج الله من أصلابهم من يعبد الله» متفق عليه

9. Never lose hope in bringing them back to right. Once you doubt the possibility of driving them away from wrong, you will have been defeated yourself from the very beginning.

10. If you cannot reform their unacceptable traits, do not blame this on them, or you will be unable to criticize yourself or review the approaches you are using with them. Noah (peace be upon him) used every possible way to admonish his people. He did not restrict himself to just one way and then proclaimed that they could not be improved. The Qur'an narrated his speech to his Lord:

{He said: "O my Lord! Verily, I have called my people night and day (i.e. secretly and openly to accept the doctrine of Islamic Monotheism). (5) "But all my calling added nothing but to (their) flight (from the truth). (6) "And verily! Every time I called unto them that You might forgive them, they thrust their fingers into their ears, covered themselves up with their garments, and persisted (in their refusal), and magnified themselves in pride. (7) "Then verily, I called to them openly (aloud); (8) "Then verily, I proclaimed to them in public, and I have appealed to them in private, (9) "I said (to them): 'Ask forgiveness from your Lord; Verily, He is Oft-Forgiving; (10) 'He will send rain to you in abundance; (11) 'And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers." (12) What is the matter with you, [that you fear not Allah (His punishment), and] you hope not for reward (from Allah or you believe not in His Oneness). (13) While He has created you in (different) stages [i.e. first Nutfah, then 'Alaqah and then Mudghah].} [Nuh 71:5-14].

{رَبِّ إِنِّي دَعَوْتُ قَوْمِي لَيْلاً وَنَهَاراً (5) فَلَمْ يَزِدْهُمْ دُعَائِي إِلَّا فِرَاراً (6) وَإِنِّي كُلَّمَا دَعَوْتُهُمْ لِتَغْفِرَ لَهُمْ جَعَلُوا أَصَابِعَهُمْ فِي آذَانِهِمْ وَاسْتَغْشَوْا ثِيَابَهُمْ وَأَصَرُّوا وَاسْتَكْبَرُوا اسْتِكْبَاراً (7) ثُمَّ إِنِّي دَعَوْتُهُمْ جِهَاراً (8) ثُمَّ إِنِّي أَعْلَنتُ لَهُمْ وَأَسْرَرْتُ لَهُمْ إِسْرَاراً (9) فَقُلْتُ اسْتَغْفِرُوا رَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ كَانَ غَفَّاراً (10) يُرْسِلِ السَّمَاء عَلَيْكُم مِّدْرَاراً (11) وَيُمْدِدْكُمْ بِأَمْوَالٍ وَبَنِينَ وَيَجْعَل لَّكُمْ جَنَّاتٍ وَيَجْعَل لَّكُمْ أَنْهَاراً (12) مَّا لَكُمْ لَا تَرْجُونَ لِلَّهِ وَقَاراً (13) وَقَدْ خَلَقَكُمْ أَطْوَاراً} نوح: 4-15

Transliteration: Qala rabbi innee daAAawtu qawmee laylan wanaharan (5) Falam yazidhum duAAaee illa firaran (6) Wainnee kullama daAAawtuhum litaghfira lahum jaAAaloo asabiAAahum fee athanihim waistaghshaw thiyabahum waasarroo waistakbaroo istikbaran (7) Thumma innee daAAawtuhum jiharan (8) Thumma innee aAAlantu lahum waasrartu lahum israran (9) Faqultu istaghfiroo rabbakum innahu kana ghaffaran (10) Yursili alssamaa AAalaykum midraran (11) Wayumdidkum biamwalin wabaneena wayajAAal lakum jannatin wayajAAal lakum anharan (12) Ma lakum la tarjoona lillahi waqaran (13) Waqad khalaqakum atwaran

11. Set goals for your relations with your kith and kin, and monitor and gauge them so that you can know whether and how much you are good to your relatives.

12. Seek Allah's Help in advising them, and always pray for them, particularly at the times and places that were given special significance by the Prophet prayers and peace of Allah be upon him.

13. Above all, work hard to gain their love in every way that pleases Allah, Glorified be He.

14. Use gentle treatment, likable language, smiling, and prayer to show them cordiality. These are things that deserve great reward from Allah.

15. Keep in touch with them, whether by phone or by mutual visits. For example, you can spend your weekends with them.

16. Arrange for picnics and Hajj/Umrah travels with them, and try to tolerate their traits and behaviors that you do not like — they deserve it more than anybody else.

17. Share them their happy moments and different acceptable activities, without losing your solemnity or indulging too much in their lives.

18. Play with and show tenderness to their children, which is an easy way to diffuse love and friendliness everywhere. This was an honorable manner of Prophet Muhammad prayers and peace of Allah be upon him.

19. Do all of that only for the Sake of Allah, and do not wait for any gratitude or applause from them. This is a very good psychological training. By returning any offences or bad treatment from your relatives with tolerance and love, Ibn Hazm said, you will be hitting two birds with one shot prize: (1) You will get Allah's Satisfaction and (2) you will not feel the depression or frustration of being ill-treated or disrespected.

20. Be there for them in the events that Islam urges us to share with kith and kin, such as religious feasts, having a new baby, Aqiqah (i.e., newborn sacrifice), marriage, death, etc.

Means of Getting Closer Kinship Relations

(A) Family Gatherings

1. Make regular gatherings with family members (for example, fortnightly for relatives who live nearby, monthly for those living in the same city, and annually for those in other cities).

2. Be simple and do not exaggerate to show hospitality. This is particularly recommended in family socializations, as incurring high costs will discourage future gatherings.

3. Try to bring in familiarity and intimacy, and make them feel the importance of familial interrelations. Ask about their general affairs without touching upon their own privacies or sensitive issues.

4. Every time you meet, remind them of the merits of keeping the ties of kinship, and give examples from the biographies of notable and virtuous people.

5. Revere the elderly of the family, consult them, and listen to their advice and their life experiences.

6. During meetings, mention some pleasant stories and decent jokes to add some fun.

7. Make short contests with immediate prizes for winners, to make family gatherings attractive for children.

8. Try to engage them in charitable activities, even if with minor contributions, to make refreshment of ties and create more contacts. Yet, do not embarrass or force them to participate; if you feel reluctance from them, just do not insist on your proposal.

(B) Family Notebook

Make a notebook that contains personal data of all your family members, including full name, home address, office address, contact numbers, P.O. Box, etc. Make it an elegant notepad, and write on it maxims extolling the ideal of dutifulness to kinship.

Produce a two-page-or-so journal in your family's title, and try to publish it periodically. Its content can cover topics like:

- Importance of kinship relations

- A biography of one of the family's memorable persons (if any)

- An interview with a member of the family

- Some contributions from members of the family

- Women's page

- Children's page

- Family news (new babies, successes, new jobs, health cases, etc.)

- Back page (including some advice)

(D) Presents & Gifts

One of the effective tools to keep mutual feelings within the family ever warm is exchanging at least token presents. Here are some suggestions of presents that can involve the whole family (personal presents and gifts depend on the preferences of you and the person to whom it is given):

1. Subscription to a family-oriented Islamic magazine

2. Subscription to a children magazine

3. Some useful booklets and audio/video cassettes for women, youth, children, or general purposes

4. Calendars and school timetables with moral advice written on them

(Choose the right time to present gifts. Select presents that are related to specific seasons, such as Ramadan, Hajj, vacations, etc. If unable to give presents in person, use the mail.

5. Subscription to Dar Al-Qassem's correspondence reading program

(E) General Information Contests

1. Make contests for everyone, especially youth and children. You can make short quizzes, or you can pick contests from magazines or books that deal with family issues or from audio cassettes of famous sheikhs.

2. Such contests can be exercised periodically and at such special times as Ramadan, Hajj, etc.

3. It would be better if answers are made in the same paper and prizes are indicated in advance to provide motivation.

4. Collect answers during the next meeting or by mail.

5. Announce winners on the family journal.

(F) Solving Problems

When you exert sincere efforts to solve your relatives' problems, this will strengthen and perpetuate family bonds. You can:

1. Mediate between any disputants, using the help of reverend sheikhs and respectable persons of the family, and you can form an internal reconciliation panel.

2. Query about their financial burdens and try to find donors to relieve them. More preferably, advise them on the best ways to manage their financial needs within their own income. Help them reschedule their debts, so that they do not feel helpless or inferior to their relatives.

3. Keep eyes open on and befriend youths of your family. Work to solve their problems, eliminate their weaknesses, and enhance their strengths.

4. Fight the attitude that youths are still children, and encourage early marriage. Tell parents that a 15-year-old is an adult, then how do they delay his marriage till the age of 20 on the grounds that he is still young?!!

5. Offer support and protection to orphans, show them love and care, and lend a hand in bringing them up.

6. Pay attention to divorced, widowed, and unmarried women, and try to find husbands for them.

7. Try to find suitable jobs for those who do not have work, and help them acquire necessary technical and practical work skills.

8. Give assistance to students with learning difficulties, by finding helpers for them in study.

(G) Sermons & Guidance Sessions

1. It is completely wrong to give someone advice by mentioning his mistakes in front of others.

2. Pursue opportune times for offering advice, since not always people will listen to you with full ears and responsive minds. Remember the wise saying: Talk to people when they turn their ears and eyes to you, and stop when they lose concern.

3. Make sure you are well-acquainted with the issue you are going to talk about. Doubt or inadequate knowledge may undermine their belief in you.

4. Corroborate your argument with Shar’i and logical evidence, and beware of uninformed discussions.

5. Ascribe fatwas and views to scholars and experts, so that nobody may think that you are speaking your own opinions and convictions.

6. Illustrate with indicative examples and realistic stories, and avoid idealism and overstatements.

7. Do not take interest in highly controversial issues that cause a wide difference of opinion.

8. Allow for individual participations, and be open-minded with dissentient opinions. Always remember the story of Utbah Ibn Rabi’ah, who was heaping criticism on the Prophet, while the latter listened to him calmly, called him with his nickname, until he (‘Utbah Ibn Rabi’ah) finished.

9. Use prudence in dealing with irritations that may be produced by some unwise persons.

10.When an argument goes heated, try to halt it courteously, and keep the issue at hand open for future debate.

11.To break monotony, invite some interesting persons from outside the circle of your family to your gatherings. Of course, those persons should not be undesirable to the family. The least enthusiastic followers of a scholar are his own clan, as the saying goes.

(H) Family Tree

Create a family tree showing the genealogy of your family, and let other relatives participate in preparing it. Distribute copies of the tree among all your family members, and update it every five years.

Problems & Solutions

Familial problems vary in terms of nature, complexity, scale, and whether they are collective or individual. Program administrators should put this in mind and not address individual problems as phenomena in the family as a whole, as this will pump fuel into them and give the perpetrators the sense of "I-am-not-alone". Advisably, any given problem should be approached as a specific, narrow-scope issue that disturbs the entire family. This will show the perpetrator how serious it is and will make him feel ashamed of it.

Below, we will discuss some problems and their possible solutions:

(A) Intermingling Between the Two Sexes

1. Explain that shyness is the best trait in women and the factor that tenders their disposition.

2. Extract from the Qur'an and Sunnah demonstrations that it is haram for women to shake hands or intermingle with men other than their unmarriageable relatives.

3. Tell true stories of crimes resulting from intermingling, such as immorality, murder, rape, rupture between relatives, and scandal. Make sure they are real stories, so that no one can refute them and shake your credibility for wicked purposes.

4. Make it clear that love, appreciation, and respect preserve decency and solemnity.

5. Convince the family's influential of the negative results of intermingling, and call them to resist its advocates, using gentleness and without waging wars.

6. Goad the family's young men and women to feel jealous of their solemnity and honor and averse to girls' shaking hands and intermingling with male nonrelatives.

(B) Negative Media Material

1. Elicit the spirit of proudness of our Islamic religion, culture, and civilization.

2. Show how the Western civilization has become void and how it plans to export its scum, mischief, and inhumanness.

3. Clarify the safety, religious, and cultural hazards of the mass media.

4. Make a questionnaire and distribute it among your family members to find out the dangers media impose on morality, etc. Put findings in numbers.

1. Convene meetings with decent youths in the family to discuss forms, reasons, and remedies of delinquency.

2. If the family has many delinquent youths, gather them in regular remedial sessions that at first include amusement and acceptable games for the most part of them.

3. Foster their faith, and implant in them fear and glorification of Allah, by drawing their attention to meditate in Allah's creations and in themselves. It helps to watch a video cassette on the universe or human beings, which reveals how insignificant man is and how Great and Almighty the Creator is.

4. Remind them of the Day of Resurrection and its portents and grave events.

5. Spur in them the sense of honor and jealousy by showing them the atrocities committed by aggressive Christians and Jews against Muslims.

6. Remind them of the bright history of Muslim victories and heroism.

7. Tell them how leaders of disbelief fear Muslim youths of high religiosity.

8. Revive within them the concept of loyalty to whatever belongs to Islam and disloyalty to anything else.

(D) Traveling Abroad

1. Explicate the hazards of traveling abroad on youths' safety and health.

2. Elaborate on its consequences on morality and religiosity and how it affects the principle of disloyalty to the practices of disbelievers.

3. Enumerate the religious and worldly effects of extravagance, which benefits only our enemies.

4. Create in them the interest in domestic tourism, and describe to them attractive sites and extraordinary projects of which they might have never had any knowledge. Arrange for low-price family journeys to some coastal cities, protected areas, camping zones, to help relatives have days in a close company.

5. Prepare a questionnaire listing positive and negative points of traveling abroad, and consult experienced people to bring forth conclusions.

6. Clarify the malicious agendas of the West in their touristic propaganda.

7. Circulate the book West Leaders Say: Destroy Islam, Exterminate Its People.

The points that we listed above require hard work and persistency to achieve the ultimate goal of honoring kinship relations.

We ask Allah to guide us to good deeds, to grant us devotion in them, and to accept them.

Prayers and peace of Allah be upon our Prophet, Muhammad, and upon his family and Companions.

Dar Al-Qassem

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