The Girlfriend - Boyfriend Relationship - Part 2
How to deal with a G-B
Relationship?
In the last article I
talked about taking preventative measures to ensure that when your
child is older, he or she will not be caught in a
girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. However, if your child is
already a teenager or those methods did not work, and you are now
facing this dilemma, there is still hope of rectifying
it.
Most parents react with
extremity upon discovering that their daughter is in a
girlfriend-boyfriend situation: they lock her in her room and
forbid her to see the boy again. What would be the reaction from
the girl when she is faced with this? She would rebel. That is, she
would do the opposite of what the parents say and, in extreme
cases, run away from home. If this is not how parents want it to
end, they must tread lightly. Do everything with a light touch
because teenagers respond better to it. At any signs of heavy
handedness, teenagers rebel!
The first step in any
bridge-building is to talk. Calmly talk to your daughter to
understand why she is having a boyfriend.
What led to
this?
There are many reasons why
girls seek out boys. The first culprit that parents point the
accusing finger at; is the girl's raging hormones. This may be true
in some girls but not all. There are girls who have raging hormones
but who can control themselves, and then there are girls who do not
have raging hormones but who still pursue the opposite
sex.
Therefore, what are some other
possible reasons for the girl's behavior?
Peer pressure is one. When all
her friends and school mates have boyfriends, she feels compelled
to follow suit. If she does not have a boyfriend of her own then
she feels left out because she cannot fit in with their after
school activities and cannot join in their conversations. What
makes it worse is that everyone will see her as a
"geek".
Another reason is if she is
undertaking a popularity contest. She competes with other girls in
attaining as many boyfriends as she can to see who will be the
popularity queen. These contests also occur because it is seen that
only popular girls have boyfriends.
Boredom often drives a girl
into the arms of a boy. She sees her life as monotonous and so
searches for thrill and excitement with the boy.
Or perhaps her self-esteem is
low, so she depends on him to make her feel desirable and
wanted.
Yet another reason is that she
needs to be loved. She seeks her parents love but cannot access it;
therefore, she seeks it elsewhere. Similar to this is if she is
seeking her parents' attention. She defies them in seeking a
boyfriend so that she can have their attention. Any attention to
her is better than no attention. The difference between the need
for love and the need for attention is that the former does it
passively. If she cannot get it from her parents then she goes
elsewhere, whereas the latter demands it from her
parents.
There could be other reasons
or the reasons could be a combination of the above. However,
whatever the reason or reasons may be, parents need to identify and
understand it. This is easier than it sounds as parents have a
tendency of triggering their daughters to clam up.
How to
approach them
When parents talk, care needs
to be taken so as not to become accusative ("You did this to...")
and judgmental ("You are so..."), otherwise it will end up like a
police interrogation ("Why did you...?"). This only adds to their
daughter's defiance. Also, to keep her self-esteem intact, avoid
using "should", "don't" and all other negative words.
Talking effectively also means
to know when to listen. This includes not only hearing but
understanding. To understand what has been said, parents need to
clarify it ("Do you mean...?"), acknowledge it ("You feel...
because...") and empathize with it ("You sound really..."). When
the teenager feels that her parents understand her, she will be
encouraged to confide in them and explain why she does things and
how she feels about it. And as I said earlier, by understanding,
parents will get the full picture and will then know which
appropriate action to take. Also, if parents want to be listened to
by their children, they need to model good listening skills.
Children tend to do as parents do rather than as parents say. So
now is always a good time to start practicing these
skills.
Insecurity
Looking closer at the above
reasons, parents will see that the underlying factor is that the
girl feels insecure about herself. Her self-esteem is low and so
she relies on the boy to make her feel good about herself. The root
of falling into the trap of peer-pressures, popularity contests,
the need to be wanted and loved, and to have attention, is
insecurity. If this is the case then give her the love and
attention that she needs. Show and tell her that you love her
despite her "bad" behaviors, and yet you will not tolerate them.
Teach her how to feel good about herself and her religion. Build
her self-esteem by acknowledging her good behaviors and
achievements or her attempts to achieve (and not focusing on
failures). Assign her challenging tasks and stimulating activities.
This also applies to the bored daughter. Take her to teenage
Islamic gatherings and camps. Encourage her to make new Muslim
friends. As to the one with raging hormones who cannot control
herself, ask her if she would like to marry (but do not force it
upon her).
Certainly, remind her that it
is the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship that cannot be approved
and teach her (again) about Islam's position with regards to this.
Lastly, provide Muslim role models for her. Stories about those
women who guard their chastity and piety are rewarded for doing so.
Maryam, mother of Prophet Eesa (a.s), is one great
example.
Don't forget
about the boys
Having taken care of the
daughter, I will now focus attention on the son. It is ironical
that parents react as if there is a death in the family when their
daughter engages in a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. But when
it is the son who is in a similar or worst position, the same
parents are complaisant. Feel that the boy needs to have experience
and enjoy himself first before he can settle down and marry. It is
as if the daughter alone carries the honor of the
family.
Honor needs to be distributed
evenly among the family if it is to be kept intact. This means the
father, mother, son and daughter must each guard their own honor.
If the father or mother loses his or her honor then they are
providing the role model for their children. And if the son loses
his honor and goes unpunished then the daughter will see this as a
hypocritical act and consequently rebels. For any mediating action
to work on the daughter, parents must be consistent on their son as
well. Look to the reasons why girls pursue boys then parents will
see that those are the same ones that propel boys into the arms of
girls.
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